What remains?
On October 21, 2016 by whatremainsofchelseajane“Guess what I’m going to do?”
“What, darling?”
“Write a children’s book about a girl who jumps from universe to universe looking for the one where her mother is still alive!”
“Like a Quantum Leap version of ‘Are You My Mother’?”
“Yeah, except the mother is actually dead. Didn’t you worry that the mother bird was dead in ‘Are You My Mother’ when you were a kid?”
“I didn’t, actually.”
“Oh, I did. I worried that Baby Bird would find Mother Birds’s corpse on the last page. She finds out the cow and the chicken and the cat aren’t her mother, and then at the end she finds out that her mother got run over by the tractor.”
“Your new book idea sounds interesting. Let’s talk more in the morning, I’m going to sleep.”
“People really do jump universes. I saw it on Youtube.”
“I’m tired, darling, I need sleep. Stay up and write if you want to.”
“My book is going to rhyme.”
“Goodnight.”
“Like a Dr. Suess book, but about death and quantum physics!”
“Great.”
“Because kids need to learn about how their mothers are going to die one day, and they also need to learn science.”
“Okay, sweetheart. Please stop poking me in the back, though. It actually hurts.”
“Sorry. Okay, shhhhhh, I’ll whisper to you then. Right in your ear- like this. All quiet and soothing.”
“Stop it, that’s horrible.”
“That’s why I listen to quantum physics documentaries at bedtime. So I can learn it and teach the kids.”
“Okay, stop with the whispering, it’s awful.”
“But I want you to pay attention to me.”
“I can’t right now. I’m tired.”
“Can you just roll over and listen for one more minute?”
“Fine. Go.”
“Okay, my book is going to be set on another planet and the mother is going to get the kind of cancer they have there, which grows all over the outside of your body until you basically suffocate in tumours.”
“Jesus Christ, Chelsea.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Okay, go on.”
“Why do you say ‘Okay’ like you’re just humouring me?”
“I’m not humouring you, I’m tired.”
“You don’t think I have the discipline to finish anything.”
“You said it, not me.”
“You don’t believe in me.”
“I do believe in you. But you have to actually follow through on something, and then I’ll believe in you even more.”
“That’s not fair. I follow through on things all the time.”
“Okay.”
“What do you mean ‘Okay’?”
“I mean okay, as in enough. I’m tired. I don’t feel like play-fighting right now, I’m getting irritated.”
“No, I’m getting irritated.”
“What happened to your novel about the man who keeps his wife’s brain in a jar?”
“It’s been done.”
“By whom?”
“By everyone. I’ve moved on. I’m writing this children’s book now. It’s all planned out, I just told you.”
“Okay. Less talking, more writing. I’ll believe it when I read it.”
“Great, I’ll have a whole first draft for you by tomorrow morning. I’m going to stay up all night writing while you waste your time sleeping.”
“Goodnight.”
“And I’m going to play with my nipples with one hand and type with the other.”
“Ha. Great.”
“See? Nipples.”
“I love nipples. All nipples, all the time. Except sleeping time.”
“Don’t you like these ones though? Look!”
“I love them. But I’m too tired for that right now, sorry.”
“I’m just telling you what my plan is.”
“Goodnight, darling.”
“Goodnight, love.”
—
From: Chelsea Jane <whatremainsofchelseajane@gmail.com> Date: Tuesday, September 13, 2016 Subject: Re: ISO WIZARD FOR SPACETIME TRAVEL To: “e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org” <e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org>
Wizard,
I’m so happy you consider my plan worthy of your involvement.
Thank you for explaining about the Wormhole Lords. I find it strange that they wouldn’t have a sense of humour, but maybe they’re the types who are more relaxed outside of work. To be honest, I’m not familiar with any of the staff who oversee the multiverse from a middle-management level, which is another reason why I need your help. I’m sure there are many more systems issues that only a Wizard would know. I defer to you, and will not crack any jokes or try to bend the rules.
Please be assured that the movie we were seeing on December 4th, 2015 was not premised on time travel in any way. It was a movie that Kris chose – the third installment of The Hunger Games. I could take or leave The Hunger Games. I don’t like games and I hate being hungry, so why would I want to watch a movie about either of those things let alone both of them?
Anyway, I need to tell you the following for our plan to work:
- I saw a mickey of vodka in Kris’ hoodie pocket when we were standing in the popcorn line. This would have been between 6:50 and 6:55 p.m., just before the movie started. He saw me see the booze, and asked me sheepishly if he should pour it out. Yes, I said, and off he went to the bathroom while I got the popcorn and then found us seats. What do you think he did with the vodka in the bathroom?
- The movie started. One of the main guys was poisoned. The poison turned him into a killing machine. He tried to kill the main girl, who he was actually in love with, but the poison made him forget and just despise and want to murder the heck out of her. The main girl was pretty sad about that. Everyone always gets sad when their best friend tries to strangle them to death all of a sudden. I feel like most reasonable people are forgiving of attempted murder, don’t you? This doesn’t have anything to do with our plan, but I think it’s an important reminder about friendship.
- Kris had his hand on my knee for a few minutes before I put my hand on his and tried to hold it. But his hand went limp and fell off my leg. I looked at him and he was nodding his head back. I elbowed him, asked if he was okay. He sat up in his chair and cleared his throat, tried to appear awake, but I watched his eyes roll back in his head and in moments he had nodded off again and was snoring loudly. The snoring was so loud that the group of teenage boys seated in front of us started snickering. One of them turned around and snapped photo on his iPhone. I’m only telling you this so you understand why I need to rescue him. The fact that he would do this on our first Date Night in months illustrates how unwell he was. I should have done more. I should have seen it coming.
- I left the theatre crying at about 7:15 p.m. I left Kris slumped and snoring in the theater.
The timing of things is very important. If we are going to successfully dispose of my other self, we need to do it at exactly the right moment. I’ve read that if two of the same selves lay eyes on each other, one is automatically annihilated. It’s usually the visitor, due to each universe’s inherent preference for its native order.
Needless to say, I don’t want the me who is writing to you now to be annihilated, because that would negate the whole plan.
We’re going to need to sneak up behind me with a blindfold, and we’ll need to do it where nobody else will see. I think we should hide in my car.
We’ll only have until 7:18 to break into my car and hide in the back seat. Please note that my car was parked at the rear exit of the theatre near the woods, so if it’s possible for us to materialize in the woods themselves to remain discreet, that would be best.
I remember wanting to speed away immediately when I got to my car that night, but I couldn’t get the keys in the ignition because I was crying. It’s very difficult for a person to operate a motor vehicle when their whole being is flooded with disappointed, rage and sadness, don’t you agree Wizard? Anyway, we need to blindfold and capture me before I actually start driving the vehicle. For safety reasons, obviously.
I’m sure that the captured me will be terrified, however I believe she’ll be cooperative when we march her blindfolded into the woods, especially if we explain in very calm voices that we have come from another dimension of the multiverse to dispose of her for humanitarian purposes (saving Kris’ life).
In terms of the Death Star cookie jar, I think we will just have to risk the 1% chance that it will not be resized by your spangler. The scattering of ashes is a crucial component of the rescue mission and I believe it will guarantee me a chance at the life I expected to live. It’s too bad that I’m going to have to be a Missing Person in this universe, because my kids will be sad. Luckily, I’ll also get to be with my same kids in the other universe, and those kids won’t have the trauma of Kris being dead. So it all balances out in the end, right?
I will be in Calgary for the next week. I expect you will not be available to meet me here. If you can, please let me know. If not, we should meet upon my return to Victoria and discuss the plan in further detail. Again, thank you for your willingness to work with me. I am very excited to see Kris again. I can’t wait to kiss his whole face and smell his armpits and press my forehead into his like a cat.
I really appreciate how professional you’ve been so far, and am looking forward to working with you.
Kind regards,
Chelsea (Number One)
—
Begonia was a girl who lived on Planet Zolberturf
A planet with topography quite similar to Earth
She was a bright and silly girl with prickly purple eyes
And, like all Zolberturfians, she loved McDonald’s fries-
“Wait, what?”
“… she loved McDonald’s fries.”
“Why are you putting in a line about McDonald’s food?”
“Because if I do some product placement they’re more likely to publish my book.”
“I don’t think McDonald’s is in the publishing business. And that line doesn’t fit at all.”
“They publish propaganda books about happy farm animals all the time. You just interrupted me.”
“Sorry, go on.”
Begonia had a mother and a father just like you
Her father tended Goiberflinks at the Zolturfian Zoo
Her mother was a housewife, she was sweet and dumb and fat
But Begonia loved her anyway, like fleas adore their cats-
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“What doesn’t?”
“Fleas adoring cats?”
“Cats are homes for fleas, and they get to drink their blood for food. They love them.”
“You’re not taking this seriously.”
“Yes I am. And that’s not fat-shaming, by the way, it’s just the truth. The mother had a lot of body confidence.”
“Yeah yeah, I get it, it’s a joke – keep going, troll.”
“It’s not a joke. Can you keep your comments to yourself until I’m finished reading?”
“Yep, go. I have to leave for work in three minutes.”
One day, Begonia’s mother woke up feeling very ill
She showered and she shaved, she took her special Zolberpill
She was always this hungover when she made Begonia’s lunch
Always slurping down a boozy cup of Zolberturfian Punch
Begonia kissed her mother on her mother’s round red cheeks
And she headed off to school (to study Zolberturfian Zeeks)
But little did Begonia know as she walked out the door
That when she next came home, her mother’d be dead on the floor.”
“Good grief.”
“That’s all I’ve got so far. Zolberturfian cancer spreads fast. The next part is going to explain about the tumours.”
“Okay, are you going to explain to the kids about alcoholism?”
“Oh, she’s not an alcoholic. She just likes to drink until she blacks out every night, but she can stop any time she likes. Kind of like somebody else we know!”
“Alright, that’s enough. You’re getting nasty now – I’m leaving.”
“I love you, Kris.”
“Do you, though? That was an incredibly bitchy thing to say and you said it just to upset me. You’re not my friend.”
“I am your friend.”
“Bye.”
“I love you.”
“Bye, Chelsea.”
—
From: Chelsea Jane <whatremainsofchelseajane@gmail.com> Date: Wednesday, September 21, 2016 Subject: Re: ISO WIZARD FOR SPACETIME TRAVEL To: “e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org” <e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org>
Dear Wizard,
It’s been over a week since I sent you my last message and I haven’t heard back from you. I’m wondering, though: did you leave some love potions and a spell at the foot of my bed?
If you did, can you please explain yourself?
Are you trying to convince me that I’m meant to stay in this universe? If you are, I appreciate it, but I’ve already made up my mind. I did the spell, but nothing happened. And now I’m just extremely depressed. I’m more depressed than I’ve been in the whole time since Kris died, so I hope you know how uncool it is to give someone hope about love in this universe and then disappoint them.
I’m trying to grab life by the pussy, which (as I’m sure you know) was written across the sky. I wrote it on my bathroom mirror along with the other instructions, thinking that it would help me, but it hasn’t. My mood has plummeted, and your lack of reply has been upsetting
I need to focus on the plan for December 4th, and I implore you to respond to my messages. Please.
Chelsea
—
From:e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org To: Chelsea Jane <chelseajaney@gmail.com> Date: Monday, September 26, 2016 Subject: Re: ISO WIZARD FOR SPACETIME TRAVEL To: “” <e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org>
Hello Chelsea,
Apologies for the tardy response.
I enjoyed our back-and-forth.
Assumed it was in jest.
Your last messages, though: I’m not sure how to respond? I think I will take a “time out” from the role-playing for now.
Best Wishes,
Paul
From: Chelsea Jane <chelseajaney@gmail.com> Date: Tuesday, September 27, 2016 Subject: Re: ISO WIZARD FOR SPACETIME TRAVEL To: “e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org” <e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org>
Hello “Paul”,
You wouldn’t be a professional if you didn’t test my faith in the science of quantum love. Wizard, please be assured that I do believe. And that with every cell of my body that vibrates in and out of existence, I’m ready to do this.
Please meet me for lunch at Il Greco at 12:30pm this Sunday, October 2nd..
I’ll be wearing an orange scarf and a forlorn expression – you won’t be able to miss me.
Sincerely,
Chelsea
From:e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org To: Chelsea Jane <chelseajaney@gmail.com> Date: Thursday, September 29, 2016 Subject: Re: ISO WIZARD FOR SPACETIME TRAVEL To: <e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org>
I hope you’re not serious. I’m not meeting with you, and I won’t be responding again. It was good fun, though.
Good luck.
Paul
From: Chelsea Jane <chelseajaney@gmail.com> Date: Friday, September 30, 2016 Subject: Re: ISO WIZARD FOR SPACETIME TRAVEL To: “e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org” <e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org>
Wizard,
Gotcha ;).
I will be there on Sunday as planned. I so look forward to meeting you. Would you mind giving me a physical description so I know who I’m looking for?
Chelsea
From:e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org To: Chelsea Jane <chelseajaney@gmail.com> Date: Saturday, October 1st, 2016 Subject: Re: ISO WIZARD FOR SPACETIME TRAVEL To: <e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org>
I won’t be there, but enjoy your lunch. GOODBYE.
From: Chelsea Jane <chelseajaney@gmail.com> Date: Sunday, October 2nd, 2016 Subject: Re: ISO WIZARD FOR SPACETIME TRAVEL To: “e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org” <e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org>
Hello Wizard,
I can’t say I’m not a bit hurt that you didn’t show up today. I waited for over three hours and paid for a babysitter. I expect the equivalent of my time and the cost of my meals will be taken off the amount of your final invoice.
No hard feelings. I’m still more than willing to work with you, as I was truly impressed with your credentials despite this recent lack of professionalism.
Chelsea
From:e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org To: Chelsea Jane <chelseajaney@gmail.com> Date: Monday, October 3rd, 2016 Subject: Re: ISO WIZARD FOR SPACETIME TRAVEL To: <e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org>
For the love of God, it’s over. I get that you think you’re clever, but this is getting ridiculous. And I think it’s pretty shitty that you would pose as a grieving woman, which belies your age, which I would put at around fourteen.
Kindly fuck off.
Paul
From: Chelsea Jane <chelseajaney@gmail.com> Date: Monday, October 3rd, 2016 Subject: Re: ISO WIZARD FOR SPACETIME TRAVEL To: “e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org” <e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org>
Dear Wizard,
I’m not sure why you are so angry, but I can absolutely assure you that I’m not a teenager and I don’t think I’m clever in any way. This is not a joke.
If I’ve offended you, I hope you will forgive me. I’ll be at Il Greco again tomorrow at 1:00.
See you there 😉
Chelsea
From:e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org To: Chelsea Jane <chelseajaney@gmail.com> Date: Monday, October 3rd, 2016 Subject: Re: ISO WIZARD FOR SPACETIME TRAVEL To: <e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org>
From: Chelsea Jane <chelseajaney@gmail.com> Date: Tuesday, October 4th, 2016 Subject: Re: ISO WIZARD FOR SPACETIME TRAVEL To: “e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org” <e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org>
Wizard,
You didn’t show up again. I waited for two hours this time before giving up. I respect that you’re not interested, and I wish you the best. I will continue my search for another Wizard.
Sincere regards,
Chelsea
From:e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org To: Chelsea Jane <chelseajaney@gmail.com> Date: Wednesday, October 5th, 2016 Subject: Re: ISO WIZARD FOR SPACETIME TRAVEL To: <e4825ab1386a3c06953a58ea13df71a0@reply.craigslist.org>
Congratulations, Chelsea Jane: you have passed with flying colours.
I will be in touch shortly with further instructions.
Regards,
Eythan
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